i'm ready

i have something to say
i'm sure of it
in my head
in my skin it feels so mighty
so large
of such great importance
but i fear it is so small and silly
insignificant
taking up some room that someone of greater signfiicance
with something significantly more hardy and sizeable and eloquent to share
should be using

i have been touched by God
i'm sure of it
not in some kind of soft, i've been moved in a warm and fuzzy way touch
i mean S/He has taken up residence in my body
in my mind
in my heart
in my knees and pelvis
in my mouth
speaking words that aren't mine
in languages that aren't mine
creating songs i've never known but know now
dancing and shaking and whirling me around in beautiful 360s
writing truths like rumi or oprah ( :
beautiful, sometimes odd, spiraling, concentric-circled designs
on my notebooks, on my shower wall, everywhere

God, God, just like that showing up in words and notes and little signs everywhere
sometimes i hear your thoughts...its true...whoever i may be talking to at the moment...
sometimes i feel your emotions...i can't lie that sucks...
i am sometimes overcome with waves of bliss...warm and surging throughout my body
sometimes all thought vanishes from my mind...i can think nothing...even if i try...even if I really really try
and in those moments the world is new, brand new, almost wet with freshness
and i am like a baby who has just arrived

my hands get warm and if i lay them on you at the right time
God comes through me and you feel better...i am a vessel for healing

but i still cry
i'm still afraid a lot
i still think the man i love who i can't quite tell can love me back -- is always leaving
always about to leave
always on the way out the door
(damn abandonment issues)
and at those times I cry

I still worry -- about money, about my parents and making their lives stress-free,
about my job and my masters degree and my arts project and my living arrangements and the age sneaking up on my face and temples and what on earth to do with my hair. some enlightenment, huh? ( :

sometimes it all feels so overwhelming, this touching, this God/Holy Spirit/Divine touching thing ( I don't even know what to call it)
since it showed up almost a little more than a year ago...
i've no-one to talk about it...
no-one really
not my teachers who give me vague answers and seem to want me to hush
not to friends -- even close ones, pretending to understand, seem annoyed or wiereded out
or disturbed somewhat by it...

i think He wants me to do something.
I think S/He made it so I can feel this so intensely
--after all we all have this in us -- I'm sure of it---
it's just a matter of the volume being turned up here in my skin...
but the volume is up I think for a reason...

for one I must have asked for it...
And now that God has touched me...
now what?
now what, Goddy....
what do you want with me...

i'm ready
just let me know
I'm scared...( : - I won't lie...
but i'm ready....

yes.

Blogs and Open Chakras

Today. First day of the ole blog...er, new blog. Probably has something to do with the fact that I had my throat chakra opened yesterday. Apparently, it needed it. Some surprise, I bet, to all who know me/have asked me to shut the heck up over the years -- really one in the same.

I'm also a vocalist. www.myspace.com/faithsongs. Word on the metaphysical street is that out of all my chakras, my throat chakra is my most energized...most engaged. So, what exactly it was doing being closed, I don't know. But, I'm thank ful to the lady on the ashram that opened it up for me...whispering, "Faith, come back into your body." I wasn't out of it, really, just surrendering to this new experience of open throat chakra-ness. "Come back, Faith," she whispered like the person does at the end of one of those dream sequences with the wavy lines, "your throat chakra is now opened.

"What does that mean, exactly, " I whispered back, strangely mimicking her movie-drama delivery. "It means, you will be better able to speak your truth, to find your true voice."

Then today...whoa! here comes the blog!
She may be onto something, that chakra lady, after all...we'll see....

love 'n light y'all...